I used to think self-compassion was just another word for letting myself off the hook. That if I was too kind to myself, I’d lose my edge or stop pushing forward. Turns out, that couldn’t be further from the truth.
When I set out to become a national board-certified health and wellness coach, I had to call upon every self-compassion lesson I’d learned in my studies. I’m notoriously terrible at multiple-choice tests, so this was always going to be a challenge. And just getting to that test—jumping through all the necessary hoops—felt as daunting as assembling IKEA furniture without the instructions.
The old me would have powered through with sheer force, beating myself up along the way. But this time, I did something different: I gave myself permission to quit at any time. That freed me up to keep going. Instead of forcing myself forward with harsh expectations, I let myself be drawn forward by curiosity and passion for the work. The shift from “I have to pass this test” to “I’m learning incredible things” completely changed the experience. That’s what self-compassion does—it allows us to grow, even when fear is along for the ride.
What Self-Compassion Is (And What It Isn’t)
Self-compassion isn’t about being soft, giving up, or making excuses. It’s about supporting yourself through challenges, acknowledging both the struggle and the strength it takes to persist. It reframes obstacles from threats to opportunities.
As we build the foundation of deep health—which isn’t just about physical well-being but also mental, emotional, and social well-being—self-compassion is one of the most vital building blocks. Developing this skill helps us navigate setbacks, work through resistance, and keep showing up for ourselves even when things get hard.
Kristin Neff, one of the leading researchers on self-compassion, breaks it down into three key components:
1️⃣ Mindfulness – Recognizing our struggles without exaggerating or suppressing them.
2️⃣ Common Humanity – Understanding that we’re not alone in our pain; everyone struggles.
3️⃣ Self-Kindness – Treating ourselves with the same care and encouragement we’d give a friend.
Why Women Struggle with Self-Compassion
Why is it so easy for us to turn on the compassion faucet for others—our friends, kids, partners—but nearly impossible to turn it on for ourselves?
Because we’ve been trained not to.
Society tells us that our worth is tied to how much we do for others. That self-care is selfish. That our job is to give, give, give—and if we’re not completely drained, we must not be giving enough. So of course self-compassion feels foreign. We’ve been conditioned to believe we don’t deserve it.
But here’s the truth: you can’t pour from an empty cup. Taking care of yourself—mentally, emotionally, physically—isn’t a luxury. It’s a necessity.
What Turning the Self-Compassion Faucet On Looks Like
For me, it starts with self-talk. I try to pause and ask myself: Would I say this to my best friend? If not, I reframe it. I acknowledge the struggle, remind myself that I’m not alone in it, and choose words that build me up rather than tear me down.
It also means recognizing that sometimes, life forces us into unexpected self-compassion lessons.
The Hardest Lesson in Self-Compassion
I recently turned the same age my mom was when she was diagnosed with Non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma. That was a tough moment of reflection. But what followed was even harder.
Three years later, when she finally needed treatment, my dad was suddenly diagnosed with leukemia. My sister and I tag-teamed our roles—one of us taking our mom to chemo, the other staying with my dad, who was quarantined at a different hospital. We switched daily. It was a grueling year. And it only had half a happy ending.
Over 20 years later, my mom is as feisty and amazing as ever. But my dad? Nine months into his fight, he was waiting at MD Anderson for a bone marrow transplant when an infection took him before the procedure could be done.
I didn’t know it at the time, but that year was one of the biggest self-compassion lessons of my life. Because when your world is unraveling, you have to be gentle with yourself. You have to release the expectation that you can do it all, be everything for everyone, and somehow remain unscathed.
And if I learned anything from that time, it’s this: self-compassion isn’t just nice—it’s necessary.
A Small Action to Try Today
Self-compassion isn’t a one-time decision—it’s a practice. So today, try this:
💬 Notice a moment when you’re being hard on yourself. Pause. Then ask: "If my best friend were struggling with this, what would I say to her?"
Then, say that to yourself.
Because at the end of the day, you are your own best friend. You just have to start acting like it.
Want to Dive Deeper?
Check out this fun podcast conversation I had with two powerhouse coaches about practicing kindness (including self-kindness).
📌 https://balancedhealthstyles.com/practicing-kindness/
And here’s a link to the article I wrote about kindness being the most beautiful language.
https://balancedhealthstyles.com/kindness-words-acts-of-kindness/
I’d love to hear from you—what’s one small way you can practice self-compassion today? Drop it in the comments! And have a beautiful, and self-kind, day!
I relate to this on so many levels. This is such a wonderful and empowering piece!
Lovely and helpful post, thank you Lisa. Self-compassion is a great place to start a confidence journey 💕