Leading Out LOUD!

I’m about to geek out as a Gen X’er in love with the Star Wars franchise (more specifically, the original trilogy and The Force Awakens). And speaking of The Force Awakens... the movie introduced Rey, a scavenger (and, may I say, one badass heroine) living a solitary life waiting for her family’s return, who doesn’t recognize her own leadership abilities until called upon to save the universe from the evil New Order. Once she begins to realize her powers, she embraces her role in defeating the enemy and leverages her strengths to help bring down the immoral empire.

What if we acknowledged the leaders we already are? By channeling our inner Rey, we could transform the world and strive for our own equality, ultimately bringing down the patriarchy once and for all.

Redefining Leadership

When I used to think about a “leader,” I envisioned people in power suits – CEOs, government officials, and business owners. While these individuals are leaders in the traditional sense, I have come to realize that leadership takes many forms.

Consider the young woman starting college on her own for the first time and navigating signing up for classes and purchasing the materials she needs. Think of the HOA president who works to ensure that the community collaborates and thrives as a cohesive neighborhood. There is also the woman who manages family schedules and oversees household necessities.

Then there's the introvert who evolved into an organizer and activist, bringing together collectives of women by creating safe spaces where they can discover their voices and empower each other. And let's not forget the coach who worked through her own limiting beliefs to help other women improve their mental and physical well-being.

These are all examples of leadership that I once failed to recognize in myself. And I’m betting you’ve done dozens, if not hundreds, of things that already demonstrate your own leadership qualities.

The Reality of Women’s Leadership

Women, in particular, have been conditioned to believe that we’re not natural leaders. We’ve internalized the notion that men are more action-oriented and better at getting things done. But nothing could be further from the truth. We all possess leadership qualities; It’s just that women, more than men, have not had their natural talents nurtured and developed.

So why don’t more women see themselves as leaders? Most of us manage jobs, finances, gatherings, projects, and various life events. Yet, we are often told to stay in our lanes, that we don’t have leadership qualities because we’re too nurturing and empathetic, and not action-oriented enough. I call bullshit. It’s those precise qualities that make us incredible leaders! And as for taking action? When we know what we want, we’re all about dedicating time to achieving something. Because we’ve been doubted and have had to prove ourselves for centuries, we tend to be quite dialed in to the actions and are committed to getting it right the first time. This can actually work against us. The bar is set so high for women that failure feels like a non-option; instead, it becomes ammunition for those who say, “See, you don’t have leadership abilities.” As a result, we either don’t try or we give up the minute we aren’t “successful.”

However, failure is a form of success – It means we’re trying. If we’re learning from our experiences, we will improve or we'll move on to the next challenge.

Recognizing The Importance of Women's Leadership

In our society, there is a troubling lack of value placed on women’s leadership, which ultimately weakens our communities because it is devoid of empathy. Women must begin to show up in greater numbers, bringing their compassion and intuition to drive the necessary changes for achieving equality for those marginalized by patriarchy. It is crucial for women to articulate their needs and pursue them actively, ensuring they have a stronger voice in decision-making processes that benefit both themselves and society as a whole.

For instance, why isn’t women’s health researched more extensively? Historically, men have dominated the medical field and often overlook the unique healthcare needs of women. This exclusion has left women vulnerable to various health issues, resulting in a lower quality of life. And what about financial independence? From an early age, women are often left behind when it comes to demanding fair pay and achieving economic stability. These situations can be changed by ensuring that women occupy positions of influence or by boldly demanding changes from those in power. Ultimately, progress is possible when women hold roles that make a difference by passionately advocating for the changes they seek.

Beyond Traditional Leadership

Not all leading is about taking control and directing others; it's also about empowering them to lead. Using your voice to uplift other women is a form of leadership, and it’s something we need to prioritize if we want to rise together. It begins with seeing yourself as a leader, which can be accomplished by reflecting on the moments you have successfully led yourself.

Helping others recognize their natural talents or strengths and cheering them on as they pursue their passions are essential ways to guide them as they find their voices or strive for greater achievements. Encouraging small steps toward their dreams or actively assisting them in moving forward are essential qualities of leadership.

Whenever I’ve brought groups together, I’ve felt nervous about reaching out. But at some point, I eventually realized that I was more excited about the prospect of getting to know these incredible people – and possibly starting a valuable support group – that my enthusiasm overrode my fear. I had no formal leadership background or training, yet I found a way that felt manageable to create these groups. I focused on creating a safe, open, fun space so others would feel comfortable being themselves and engaging in the experience. I was more concerned with how I wanted others to feel, not with getting it perfect.

We’re all leaders in some capacity. Tapping into our strengths and skills enables us to access our innate leadership potential, where individual efforts come together like a river merging with an ocean.

Why Does Leadership Feel So Daunting?

Taking on responsibility can be intimidating, especially when we already have so much on our plates. We often worry about maintaining a healthy work-life balance, and setting and enforcing boundaries can feel overwhelming. However, to create meaningful change in the world, focusing on our role in that change can help us identify leadership roles we might want to pursue. When we’re leading from passion, it transforms the experience entirely! It becomes energizing and fulfilling, often feeling less like leadership and more like a return to ourselves.

Over the years, as I’ve worked on establishing boundaries and learned to step back when I begin to feel overwhelmed, I’ve found that I am more willing to embrace leadership roles without as much fear. I’m proving to myself that I can pull back when necessary.

My Own Latent Leadership

In my 20s, during my first career job, I decided to support the Susan G. Komen Breast Cancer Foundation by organizing a casual Friday fundraiser. I obtained approval from my supervisor for this initiative, which involved asking colleagues to participate by paying $5 to wear whatever they wanted on a specific Friday. In return, they would receive a pink breast cancer pin to wear that day and keep for future use. I had no idea I was stepping into a leadership role; I simply felt compelled to take action. Reflecting on that experience, I’m proud that I took the initiative to organize the event, especially as a young person with no prior experience.

Currently, I'm leading one of Shannon Watt’s Bonfire Communities, and let me tell you, it’s stirring up a lot of “not enough” notions. I genuinely enjoy inviting amazing women into my circle; they inspire and teach me at each gathering. I’m beginning to sense our collective strength. Yet, there’s a part of my mind that tries to sabotage my efforts, pushing me to retreat and play it small. Despite having years of coaching training and interacting with countless clients and fellow coaches, I still feel awkward in a leadership role. While I am confident in my identity, I struggle with feelings of not belonging, which makes leadership challenging. But I choose to show up because uniting women to step into our collective power matters more to me than feeling out of place or believing that someone else could do it better.

This bonfire leadership experience fills me with excitement, overwhelm, and a range of other emotions. I’ve been in this position before, so I have knowledge to draw upon. Although I often feel nervous, I have successfully created dozens of groups in the past. I can recall those experiences to regain some confidence. I also have a network of supportive, inspiring women who I can call upon when I'm feeling overwhelmed or in need of encouragement.

When you feel compelled to take action, you don’t have to label it as “leadership.” However, recognizing it as such may help boost your confidence. Embracing your role as a leader can enhance your self-efficacy and empower you to seek out more meaningful experiences.

Why do we hesitate to call ourselves leaders?

It's common to feel uncomfortable wearing the label of “leader.”

For many, it may feel arrogant. Women, in particular, often encounter comments such as, “She’s so bossy," or "She’s a know-it-all! Who does she think she is to tell us what to do?” when simply expressing themselves. So, they self-sensor.

Some feel they don’t know enough to lead – the dreaded imposter syndrome. This feeling can be pervasive, whether you have years of experience or none at all.

Taking on a leadership role means exposing ourselves to scrutiny and judgment. If we stay out of the fire, we won’t get burned. We also won’t have opportunities to make a meaningful impact.

Perfectionism is a curse that holds many back. Instead of being courageous enough to try, we often wait until we believe we can achieve perfection. Which doesn’t exist. This mindset leaves no room for learning from setbacks, which are merely opportunities to gain knowledge. Women, in particular, tend to be held to higher standards, making the prospect of “failing” feel like an impossible option.

Additionally, the fear of creating and enforcing boundaries can be overwhelming. There is often a concern that stepping into a leadership role means feeling constrained and unable to withdraw when necessary.

You’re Leading and You Don’t Even Realize It – A Recent Personal Experience of Self-Leadership

I hope you’ll allow me to regale you with a recent story that illustrates how leadership involves recognizing and embracing the diverse ways we naturally lead in our everyday lives.

My husband and I have been enjoying iFit rides on our NordicTrack for years. During one of the rides, our favorite pro instructor shared a touching story about how he used to lead one of his severely visually impaired friends on some challenging rides. We were moved by this story because my husband is also severely visually impaired, and I am his guide when we ride together.

We later discovered that this same pro cyclist lives in Petaluma, California, a city we drive through every year on our way to my mom's rental property for vacation. I thought it would be an incredible surprise to arrange a ride alongside this pro cyclist, so I sent him a message on Substack, not expecting a response but willing to give it a shot and hope for the best. To my utter surprise, he graciously replied and generously agreed, despite knowing nothing about our cycling skills.

When he suggested a bucolic 27.5-mile ride through his backyard, I immediately began to feel nervous. And this was months before the ride. My husband has tackled rides of 100 miles and 60 miles, so 27.5 was not going to be an issue for him. But I had never ridden that distance before, especially with that amount of climbing involved.

My nervousness intensified two days before the ride when, at the end of a practice session, I accidentally failed to unclip one foot in time and went down, scraping my legs up pretty badly. I'll admit that up until the morning of the ride, I considered sending the two of them off on their own while I stayed behind to read a book at the coffee shop. Hopped up on adrenaline and excitement, the nervousness eased a bit when I first clipped into my pedals that morning. It helped that Yuri was one of the kindest, most uplifting people, and he had me feeling comfortable the moment we met.

Fast forward to about ten miles into the ride: While I was physically moving forward by shifting my gears, I had to mentally move forward by shifting my inner dialogue. I was only a quarter of the way in when I checked the bike computer and saw we still had 17 miles to go. The terrain was already hillier than I had anticipated, I could feel my hamstring beginning to tighten, and I needed a burst of energy. When Yuri warned me that we would face a major hill at the end of the ride, I almost panicked, troubled that I might not be able to finish.

Recognizing my fear and embarrassment, I reminded myself that this is my usual pattern, but I could break free from it now that I knew it was invading my thoughts. Almost instantly, I reframed my thoughts and reminded myself that I was doing something special and joyful on a stunningly beautiful day with a compassionate person and that I wanted to shift my focus to being fully present and taking in the experience. (I won't lie; I did strategically drop a few F-Bombs in jest while powering up some mammoth hills, just as I do at home after Yuri leads me through an intense interval on the NordicTrack and says, “Don’t forget to smile.”)

Thanks to my training, I knew that my body could recover pretty quickly as long as I had a few minutes to rally. So, I paced myself enough to recover in between the steep hills. By this point, I was aware enough to know that I could trust myself. Stepping into your power isn't about pushing through thoughtlessly; it's about understanding your capabilities and limitations intimately.

Self-awareness was the key mechanism that initiated this shift in my thinking. I used it to transform that little voice in my head into a more supportive inner dialogue. I recognized the fear pattern, reminded myself of historical evidence that I’ve done hard things before, and employed the tools necessary to change my mindset.

Each leadership opportunity brings up new (and old) fears – Go With It

As I sat through two days of training to become a Bonfire leader, I felt out of my league and out of my element, despite having significant experience engaging in similar groups. While I did engage, it still felt uncomfortable at times. But, I could see from the expressions of the other women on the call and hear it in their voices that many of them felt the same way. We all acknowledged that what we were doing was important enough to show up despite our discomfort.

Whenever you take on a new opportunity, especially one where you are in a leadership role, it can feel intimidating and overwhelming. This often triggers the inner voice that tells you, “I’m not enough,” or something along those lines. If you can find opportunities that matter more to you than that voice does, you can push past it. Eventually, it becomes harder not to show up. Feelings of being stuck, anxious, depressed, or an overall sense of unease are often signs that you actually want to step up and lead.

Fear is there to keep you safe. But if you want to lead more often, you need to find ways to overcome it.

* Reflect on what you’ve accomplished in the past to remind yourself that you’ve led before.

* As if you were getting into a cold swimming pool, dip your toes slowly to test the waters. Start with something small and manageable that stretches your comfort zone without overwhelming you - a low-hanging fruit that feels just within reach.

* Surround yourself with people who will support and inspire you.

* Read about how other women have overcome their fears and achieved incredible things to motivate yourself.

* Talk to other women you admire about how they deal with the fear. If you’re feeling brave, ask if they would be willing to mentor you.

* Connect with women on social media platforms (such as my dear friends Sue Reid and Margaret Williams, MS, ACC on Substack) who embody leadership every day. Reach out for guidance on how to cut through the noise.

* Consider starting your own group of women with similar goals to create a constant support network when these fears arise.

* Don't underestimate the impact of using your voice to uplift others and help them discover their own leadership potential. Take the time to listen to them. Introduce them to people you know who may be able to assist them. Support them in ways that feel comfortable for you. Leveraging our collective power is the key to driving change.

The process of navigating these emotions continues throughout life. I’m experiencing it right now as I slip back into my old mindset of doubting my leadership abilities: I don’t know enough. I’m too scared of public speaking. I’m not engaging enough. But now I ask myself: “What’s one small thing I can do today to help me engage?” The Bonfire organizer shared that her mentor had told her that everyone in the room experiences imposter syndrome until they don’t -- And then they feel it again when they try something new. One thing we all have in common is that nobody has everything figured out. Remember that the effort to try is part of the learning process, not about achieving perfection. This makes it easier to show up.

Discover Your Leadership Qualities and Gradually Share Them with the World

When have you found yourself unintentionally in a leadership role, whether it was for yourself or for others?

Instead of waiting for confidence to come naturally, how can you leverage your strengths and passions to create small moments of leadership?

In what ways have you embraced your power? How can you help others do the same?

What would it take for you to become your own superhero leader, like Rey? Because, like the badass she is, she had it in her all along. You have that force within you too.